Baka Yuugi: The Stupid Play
by Ryochan8
Summary: Miaka Yuki is your typical glutonous schoolgirl that gets the opportunity of a lifetime.........with a humerous twist! Lots of character-bashing! Temporary Hiatus.
1. Prolouge

**Baka**** Yugi: The Stupid Play**

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi, but I'm putting it on my birthday list!  (I do own Mark and "Ma" though)

_Prolouge___

       You see a figure in an old, cozy chair in a personal library with a fire in the fireplace and the lights dimmed.  The figure, from here on out referred to as a guy, had on a velvet red and purple robe and was smoking from an ivory pipe.

          "Ah, welcome, esteemed reader."

You glance around in confusion.  Who the heck was this guy talking to?

          "I am talking to you, the person on the computer reading this story."

Ah, that makes some sense you think.  Now where's this heading? What's the point, and what does this have to do with Fushigi Yugi?

          "My dear readers, I will be your narrator in this is a tale of love, hate, courage, and INCREDIBLE stupidity.  The story itself is **not** an incantation, and you the reader are **not** going to become the main character-"

          "MARK!!!  WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT NARRATING RANDOM STORIES?!" cried an elderly lady tapping her foot against the floor at the doorway.

Mark jumped up out of the chair and yelled," But Ma, this is a really good story this time!"

          The lady yelled back," GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE, BOY!"

          Mark whimpered and raced out of the room.  The lady then turned toward the general direction of the computer screen and complained," Oh, just get on with the stupid story already.  Just click the little button on the bottom of the page and get out of here already!"

          And now, the adventure begins.   


	2. Hey, What's This Doohicky For?

**Ch 1: Hey, What's this Dohicky For?**

****

          Miaka and Yui were walking to a table in the library so they could get in some studying before cram school.  Suddenly, they passed a door with "ENTER AND DIE" on it.  Miaka pointed and said," Hey Yui, let's check it out!"

          Yui hesitantly said," But it says we shouldn't go in…"

Miaka "accidently" threw her pen under the door.  She then said," Well, now we HAVE to go in and get my pen!"

          So in they went.  Yui took one look at all of the rare books and started shoving as many as she could into her bag while saying," I'm gonna be RICH selling all of these on the black market…."

          Miaka thought, _Is that what happened to my dancing mouse?_

          Out of the blue, the earth rumbled beneath their feet.

"EARTHQUAKE!" Yui shrieked.

"Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and roll!" Miaka said, while following her own advice.  While rolling on the floor like a pig in the mud, she rammed into a bookshelf, sending one of the books flying on top of her and Yui.  It engulfed them in a red light and they vanished from the face of the earth.

***************

Miaka and Yui fell to the ground in a heap.

Miaka cheered," Do it again! Do it again!"

Yui looked around and asked," Where are we?"  The girls stood up and looked around.  They were in a barren plain with a few trees here and there.  A voice behind them asked," Are ye lost?"

Both girls jumped in shock and started beating the heck out of the poor person.  Stepping back to examine their handi-work, they saw that their "attacker" was actually a band of old monks.  

          Moaning in pain, one said," Aaaaaiiiyaaa…..ye be no angels…"

          Another added," Me arthritis…."

A young man leapt out of nowhere in front of the teenage girls and said," For shame, evil old people!  I will protect these hot young girls from you lecherous old slavers!"

          In vain a monk cried," We mean no harm unto thee!"   But the young man didn't pay attention.  As he was beating the crap out of the senile priests, a red kanji mark for "demon" shone on his forehead.  Miaka and Yui could only stare and blush.  They could only think, _DAMN he's fine!_  

          The guy dusted off his hands and said," THAT outta teach them…" He turned to Miaka and Yui and said," Now, that'll be worth at least a couple mon, or even a ryu!" The two girls looked blankly at the guy.  Taking the hint, he trotted off singing," Money is a guy's best frieeeeeeend…"  And before the girls could chase after him to ask for his name and email address, they were once again engulfed in a bright red light and unceremoniously plopped back down into the library.  

          Miaka said," Whoooaaa, that was cool."

          Yui agreed," You said it."

Confused, Miaka said," No I didn't.  I just said that was cool.  When did I say "it" ?"  __

Slapping herself on her forehead, Yui grabbed Miaka's hand and said," Come on, we're late for Cram school.  Even though I would rather find that handsome guy again, we BOTH know that education is more important than anything, including true love."

          Miaka whistled and said," Wow, the teachers really have you brainwashed, don't they?"

And so they trotted off to school, unsuspecting of anything weird or just plain wrong.


	3. What Do You Do When They Come For You?

Disclaimer: *whistling innocently* ………………..*noticing lawyers tapping their foots impatiently, the authoress gulps, sighs, then says* FINE! I don't own Fushigi Yuugi!  *The lawyers smile and nod and go off to pester another fanfics author*

**Ch.**** 2 :  What Do You Do When They Come For You?**

          Two days later, Miaka was coming home from cram school, traumatized from seeing her mother with a *gasp* boyfriend.  Her mother was waiting inside, and as soon as Miaka walked in the door, she slapped her. 

          Miaka astonishedly said," Why the heck did you slap me?!"

          Mrs. Yuki said," I am a crappy mother, so naturally I'm over-reacting to your getting a *gasp* boyfriend.  I bet you even skipped cram school to be with him." She started crying happy tears. "I'm so proud!"  

          Miaka started yelling," WELL I SAW YOU WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND TOO!" and she slapped her mother.  

          Mrs. Yuki, now thoroughly pissed off, yelled," THAT'S IT YOUNG LADY! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND NOT A PEEP UNTIL DINNER TIME!"

          Miaka shouted," I DON'T WANNA GO TO MY ROOM!"

          Mrs. Yuki bellowed," THEN GO TO THE FRICKIN LIBRARY FOR ALL I CARE!"

          Miaka sniffled," F-fine…..maybe I will go to the library…JERK!"  Keisuke then came through the door and said," Hey, I'm home!"  Miaka tackled him, got back up to her feet, and then raced out the door to the library. 

          Keisuke groaned," Ouchie…..Mommie, can you kiss my ouchie better?"

*********

At the library, Miaka had grabbed her favorite book off the shelf and started to read.

          "See Spot.  See Spot run.  Run, Spot, run!"  She sighed.  Even the complex actions of the cute little dog couldn't calm her down.  She noticed a bunch of kids pointing and laughing at her choice of book.  Miaka thought, _Maybe I should get a big, fancy book to cover up this one so that I look smart!_

          And so, coincedencially, her hand reached out for The Universe of The Four Gods.  As soon as she opened it to act as decoy, however, she was swallowed up by a familiar red light, once again vanishing from the public library.  

*********

           Miaka woke up on a wagon.  Suddenly, she remembered what had happened to her.  _Oh yeah! I got sucked into See Spot! Oh my gosh! I get to meet Spot and Jane! COOL!_

So Miaka hurried off to meet her heroes.  Of course, she was actually in The Universe of The Four Gods, but she didn't know that.  I mean, this is MIAKA we're talking about here.  For her, 2 + 2 = FOOD .  But anyway, on with the story.  

          Miaka was walking by a food vendor when all of a sudden, her stomach pitifully said," Feed me.  Feed me!"  The vendor, noticing her plight, said," You know, you CAN buy some food here."  

          Miaka said," Thanks but no thanks." And with that, she grabbed a bunch of hot buns and ran like the dickens. 

          "GET BACK HERE!" the vendor cried in vain.  But Miaka was long gone, and the food didn't even stand a snowball's chance in hell of lasting longer than 2 seconds.  

**********

          Tamahome was in a bar doing what normal people do in bars; drinking milk.  His mind kept going back to the girl he had saved earlier.  _Why can't I get her out of my mind?  I mean, I've seen pretty girls before, but for some reason a mental image of the girl with her hair in buns gorging her face out really gets my heart racing.  How come?  Suddenly, he overheard two ladies talking about a weird girl in a short skirt asking around for a dog and some girl.  Tamahome, needing no further clue, raced out of the restaurant.   _


	4. Don't Talk To Strangers

Disclaimer: If I owned Fushigi Yuugi, then most of the characters would be stick figures.

**Don't Talk To Strangers**

****

          Miaka was moronically skipping down the streets of the city, ignoring the many people staring at her.  Suddenly, a white dog with black spots raced out of an alley.  Miaka noticed this and cried out," SPOT!!! TAKE ME TO JANE!!!"  

          The poor puppy, scared out of his wits, ran the opposite way from the crazy lady, right into an alley.  Miaka chased after him like she was running after an icecream truck.  Turning a corner, she bumped into a guy.  

          Miaka apologized,"Oh! I'm so sorry! I was just-"

The man leered," Chasing after my puppy?"

          Miaka gasped," Oh Jane, how could you?!"  The man stared blankly at her.  What could he have done?

          Miaka continued," Jane, how could you have had a sex-changing operation?!  You used to be so cute!"  She burst into tears.  The man, seeing red, blindly struck at her and watched her fall to the ground.  Miaka fingered her bruised cheek and stared in astonishment at "Jane".  

          The man turned his head and called," Oi, boys, let's have some fun with the chickee." 

          A group of the ugliest men you could imagine stepped out of the shadows and gathered around Miaka.  She whimpered in fear as she backed up against the wall.  They menacingly marched forward and Miaka squeezed her eyes shut and waited for the pain to begin……..

          Her eyes bugged out as she saw the boy that had saved her earlier pick the pockets of the thugs, now twitching and moaning on the ground.  He noticed her stare and smiled.

          "Hey, are you alright?"

Miaka glomped onto the poor boy and started to fake tears.

          "I-I-I was soooooo scared!"  She inwardly thought, _Maybe__ if he pities me enough, he'll take me with him!_

Blushing, the boy said," My name's Tamahome, you're safe now." He pried her off him and asked," Hey, where's your friend? You alone this time?"

          Miaka nodded and pitifully forced a sob," Sh-she abandoned meeee……and I CAN'T go home after that fight with Mom……"   

          Tamahome sighed," You know, if you could actually **_work_** or get me some cash, I could bring you with me…"

          Miaka and Tamahome jumped as they heard the sound of a trumpet.  They plodded out of the alley in time to see a fancy parade.  At the front was about 10 or so acrobats wearing costumes that looked like Hotohori (with his hair down).  Then came a rectangle of guards protecting a gaudy carriage, followed by beautiful women carrying banners in Chinese saying "Heika-sama is da bomb!" and "Our Heika-sama is beautiful AND smart!" and one even said "Gold eyes, silky black hair……DAMN he's fine!"  

          Tamahome, oogling the acrobats, murmured, " If only I could get one of those outfits, I'd be rolling in dough….."

          Miaka, taking the nonexistent hint, suddenly raced towards the acrobats.  She charged one of them and bellyflopped on him.  She then pleaded," Mister Flexible Girly Man, can I please borrow your outfit?" 

The guards, outraged at seeing such an injustice brought down upon one of their own, abandoned the emporer's carriage and raced towards Miaka in hopes of smacking a couple IQ points in there.  

          While trying to yank off the guy's Hotohori mask, she was whisked away by Tamahome.  He yelled at her," WHAT THE FRICK WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND, YOU TWIT?!"

          Miaka cheerfully responded," Absolutely nothing at all!"  Gaining an idea, she woefully said," But now I owe you a favor…….."

          Tamahome, his male instincts kicking in (hey, he's a guy, give him a break), said," This will do" and kissed her full on the lips.  Before 5 seconds had passed, Miaka was overwhelmed by a bright red light.  As she started to materialize back into the library, she screamed," NO! THAT WAS MY FIRST KISS! TAMA-"

          She found herself back in his arms,"-home……"

He looked at her like she was the Loch Ness Monster and asked," What ARE you?"

          Before she could answer, they were both knocked out by the guards and, on the emporer's orders, were imprisoned in the dungeon.  __


	5. Jail Break

Disclaimer:  I don't own Fushigi Yugi; if I did, then Tasuki would be the main character, Tamahome would die a slow and ironic death, Chichiri would get more screentime, and Miaka's voice wouldn't be so high pitched and annoying. (among other things :D)

****

**Ch.**** 4: Jail Break**

****

          "Mom…….Keisuke…….Yui……..Spot……Jane……………….DAIRY QUEEN!!!!!!"

       The sleeping Miaka glomped Tamahome and yelled," DON'T LEAVE ME PIZZA DELIVERY BOY!!!!"

          Tamahome, now officially weirded out, complained," And I thought Yuiren had issues…….."  Miaka chose that moment to let loose a snore that would make any tv-couch potato proud.  

          The prison guard yelled," Oi, keep it down in there!"

          Tamahome leapt to his feet and yelled," It ain't MY fault, that dimwit broad is making that racket." He muttered," At least YOU can leave whenever you want, but I'm stuck here……"

          The guard nodded his head sympathetically and said," I feel for you, man….." He then opened a pouch at his side and took out some food, apparently planning on taking his lunch break.  Unfortunately for him, Miaka smelled the squished kappa rolls, woke up, and immediately took her place at the bars, drooling and clawing for the food.  

          Miaka put on her best pleading face and asked," I'm starving, can I PLEASE have some, pretty please with sugar on top….? Mmmm, sugar…..candy's nice……and so are cinnamon buns……can't forget caramel apples……and chocolate covered strawberries too….." Miaka put her hands out through the bars and said," Gimme, gimme, gimme!"  Tamahome slapped his forehead at her stupidity.  

          The guard smiled and said," Sure, why not?"  He walked up to the bars and held out the remaining rolls, intending for her to take as many as she wished.  Fate would have it, however, that when Miaka tried to chomp down the whole batch at once, she ate the guard's hand as well.

          "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!  MY ARM!!! MY ARM!!"  The guard ran around in circles, banging his head onto the walls to try to stop the pain, but he quickly fainted from blood loss.  Tamahome, seizing the day, grabbed the unconscious guard by his shirt, dragged him near the cell, and stole the keys to the lock.  He then unlocked the door and, acting upon the unspoken plans between him and Miaka, made tracks with Miaka scampering to keep up.

********

          "Quick, in here!"  

Tamahome and Miaka held their breath as they avoided yet another group of sentries on the lookout for them.  As the guards moved on, Miaka noticed a statue in the middle of the room.

          "What's that?" she asked Tamahome.

          Tamahome, following her gaze, saw the phoenix statue and smiled.  He then said," That is our country's god.  His name is……." He furrowed his brow in concentration," um………..I know this, just gimme a second……."  

          As Tamahome was stumbling after the name of the god, Miaka caught the whiff of food.  She thought, _Well, I **AM** hungry, but should I just leave Tamahome behind?  She took a good look at him.  __Yup, DEFINITELY leave him behind, she decided.  And with that, she crept out the door._

          "….cu….suzuki….SUZAKU!! Oh yeah, that's his name!" He happily looked up at Miaka, but found that she had left the room.  "…..crap."

****** 

          After emptying the kitchen of anything remotely edible yet not getting caught by any of the chefs, Miaka had headed outside into a courtyard, but was, as most people would be in another world without a tour guide, completely and utterly lost.

          "……I really shouldn't have ditched Tamahome," she sighed.  As she turned a corner, she saw a familiar looking wall.  

          "Don't tell me I've been walking in circles! Aw man, I'm lost! Which way do I go?!"  Miaka jumped as she heard the sound of giggling.  She turned to where the laughter was coming from to see a beautiful, raven-haired woman wearing a sheet around her pointing to the left.  

          "If you're looking for the way out, that's the way," she said smiling. _And also the way to the guardhouse, she mentally added._

          Miaka chirped," Thanks!" and started to walk off.  However, she was interrupted by the lady's question.

          "Aren't you the girl that was captured for harassing the emperor's men?"  Frozen, Miaka did the only thing she could think of; played dead.  Literally, she flopped down on the floor.  The woman sweatdropped and said," Don't worry, I'm on your side."  

          Miaka zoomed up with sparkly eyes and asked her," R-really?"  The woman nodded and smiled.  

          Miaka said relieved," I was worried that people from this world wouldn't be very nice-"

          The woman astonishedly asked," Another world?!?!"


	6. Seishi's, Seizures, and an Idiot Prieste...

Disclaimer:  Yay! I own Fushigi Yuugi! *does victory dance*  YATTA!!!!  *notices angry lawyers with lawsuits in their hands, tapping their feet.*  Uhh…..then again…..maybe I don't.  

**Ch.**** 5: Seishis, Seizures, and An Idiot Priestess**

****

       _Oh crap, thought Miaka as she gazed at the woman.  _She must think I'm nuts…..mmm, chestnuts…..with chocolate…….honey, too……aw hell, chestnuts go with ANYTHING!__

Miaka, mentally drooling over chestnuts with icecream and ketchup, almost missed the woman as she cheered," WOW, THAT'S SO COOOOOOOL!!!"

        Miaka sweatdropped as the woman fawned over her hair, ribbons, and clothes.  Her sweatdrop got bigger as the woman asked for an autograph.  Quickly signing the woman's scroll, she asked," So what's your name? I'm Yuuki Miaka!"

        The woman paused for a moment and then smiled saying," I'm Hotohori, but people usually call me something else."

        Miaka had sparkly eyes as she asked," Do they call you Ho-ho? Or Fifi!  I KNEW it, Fifi-chan!!"  Before Hotohori could correct her mistake, they heard a girlish squeal.

        Hotohori exclaimed," That sounds like the terrified squeal of a dashing miser!"

        Miaka asked," Who the what the huh?"  but was quickly shoved into some foliage by Hotohori.        Tamahome and some guards came into view.  Obviously Tamahome was outnumbered, and since he thought in terms of money (it's the amount of coins that counts), he thought he was screwed.

        A guard grabbed his hair and growled," Where's the wench that was with you?!"

        Tamahome whined," Leggo of my hair, it's the sexiest part of me besides my face!"  Miaka, seeing Tamahome's "plight", decided to help him out.  

        "OI, over here!" She called, jumping out of the bushes.  The guards, seeing her, started to run after her.  Tamahome, only knowing that he didn't want the weird little girl hurt, started beating up the guards.  Before he could do any serious damage, though, Hotohori threw off the sheet she was wearing and said," We order you to stop this instant! No one is to harm the boy OR the girl!"

        The guards, noticing Hotohori, immediately dropped to their knees; Tamahome was also kneeling.  

        Miaka, not catching the hint, smartly commented," Huh?"

        Tamahome hissed," Kneel you idiot! You're in the presence of the emporer!"  Miaka started to look in vain for the emporer.  Then she asked," Where's the emporer?"  

        Hotohori chuckled," We are the emporer, Miaka."  

        "WWHHHAAAAATTTT?!" She shrieked. "I didn't know that women could be emporers!"

        Tamahome leapt to his feet and started shaking her while yelling," THE EMPORER IS A MAN YOU IDIOT!!!"  Miaka, not trusting Tamahome, walked up to Hotohori and started poking his chest.

        She astonishedly said," Wow, nothing here." She looked down and said," Maybe I should poke down there just to make sure-"

        Tamahome's voice rang out,"BAKAAAAAAA!!"

*******

        Hotohori, dressed in his royal robes and with his hair stuffed in his crown, chuckled," We are sorry to have deceived you, but we had to assure the counselors that you were not a threat."

        The counselors nodded in agreement and said," Yup, _definitely_ not a threat."  Miaka sweatdropped.  

        Hotohori continued," So we have decided that you both are free to go-" At this point Miaka started doing a victory dance.  Sniggering, Hotohori said," But Miaka, we have a favor to ask you."  

        Miaka looked up from her can-can and thought, _Shoot, he's probably gonna ask me to be his love slave or something.  _

"Will you save Konan, Priestess of Suzaku?"  

*******

        A brief explanation of what and who the Priestess of Suzaku was later, Miaka was contemplating her decision.

        "So, I would have to save Kutou?" Miaka asked.

        "NO!" yelled everybody in the vicinity. 

        Hotohori shuddered and said," We are asking you to be the priestess of SUZAKU, not of SEIRYU."  The thought of the ugly emporer of Kutou made Hotohori shudder again.  

        "What's the difference?" Miaka asked confusedly.  _Really, this is WAY too confusing.  Now, if they were asking me to be the Iron Chef, THEN I would be able to understand what was going on.  _

        Tamahome grabbed her shoulders, stared her in the eyes, and said," They are _bad.  We are __good. Understand?"_

        Miaka nodded and said," OH, okay!"  Everybody but her facefaulted.  

        Hotohori composed himself and said," You have already found two of your seishi, so your quest will be that less arduous."  He lowered his collar and a symbol on his neck began to shine a red light.  "I am Hotohori, the sea snake."  

        Miaka shouted," BRIGHT LIGHT!" and fell to the floor, twisting and writhing.  

        "HOLY CRAP! THE PRIESTESS IS HAVING A SEIZURE! GET A DOCTOR, QUICK!" Tamahome yelled.

                                *somewhere Mitsukake was, Mitsukake sneezed*

        After a doctor had managed to get Miaka back on her feet and healthy again, Hotohori cleared his throat, pointed to Tamahome and said," Tamahome is also a constellation of Suzaku, the crab."

        Tamahome muttered," Didn't your mother teach you not to point?" while his symbol shone.  

        "BRIGHT LIGHT!" Miaka shouted again, and once again met up with her friend hardwood floor. 

        "GODDAMN IT, WHY DOES THE PRIESTESS KEEP GETTING SEIZURES?!" Hotohori shrieked.

        "I'm surrounded by idiots," Tamahome muttered, as he fingered his money in his pocket.

        "CLEAR!" yelled the doctor as he tried to jump-start Miaka's heart with makeshift electricity, lightning bugs in a jar.  


	7. What's on the Agenda?

          Disclaimer:  IDON'TOWNFUSHIGIYUUGI………so there! HA!

****

                        *NOTE: If you want something to happen, tell me! Maybe I'll add it in…….and if my grammer, spelling, or Japanese/Chinese words are horrendously incorrect, then PLEASE tell me!*

****

**What's On the Agenda?**

****

          The priestess of Suzaku, the legendary girl from another world summoned to save Konan, was currently throwing a temper tantrum.

          "I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!" Miaka wailed as she thrashed on the floor, beating her fists on the wooden boards.  

          Tamahome, appearing out of nowhere, sat on her, pinned her arms down and said," Calm down, calm down, big brother is here to comfort you."

          Miaka choked out," Can't…….breathe……."

          Tamahome, unaware that he was slowly suffocating his miko, continued,"-and my first act as big brother is to remind you that when you find all the seishis and summon Suzaku, you can wish to go home.  My second act-"

          Miaka, mishearing Tamahome, threw him off her with inhuman strength and cried," FIND THE SUSHI?! TAMAHOME, THIS NOSE CAN SMELL FOOD FROM THREE CITY BLOCKS AWAY!" and with that she scurried off to fill the black hole she refers to as "stomach".  

          Tamahome, unaware that he lost his audience, said,"-is to steal all your money and valuable possessions to sell……Eh? Miaka?  Where'd you go, it's no fun to steal things when nobody's there!"

*****************  

          As Miaka was tromping through the hallways, she realized that she had no clue as to where she was going.  

          "Oh well, maybe I can eat the walls, there sure are a lot of them," she thought out loud as her tummy growled loudly.  A door across the hallway burst open to reveal Hotohori and some frightened counselors.  

          Hotohori waved around a sword and yelled," BACK TO WHENCE YOU CAME, BEAST!"

          Miaka sighed and pouted," First I'm an intruder, then I'm a priestess, now I'm a beast?  Make up your minds people!"

          Hotohori looked at her and said," Miaka, are you alright?  We were in a meeting with our adviors when we heard the sound of a terrible beast."

          "That was my stomach," Miaka cheerfully informed him.

          One of the advisors came up to Miaka, started pinching her cheeks and said in a baby voice," Aw, is miko-chan hungry? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

          "I'm not four!" Miaka tried to say, but it came out more like "Ahm na fou".

          Another advisor added," How about some delicy-wissie bean curd? Or some yummy yummy ramen for your tummy tummy tummy!"  The rest of the counselors were rolling on the floor laughing.  Hotohori finally shoo'ed away the counselors while sternly calling after them," BAD advisors, BAD advisors, go to your rooms and not a peep out of you until you either grow up or become less ugly!"

          Miaka sweatdropped and said," Can you BE any more vain?"

          Hotohori replied in awe," Wow, that's a big word, Miaka……WE'RE SO PROUD!"  He cleared his throat and said," But anyway, we were planning on talking to you anyway.  We must discuss your duties as a priestess."

          Miaka whined," Awwwwwwwwww, do I HAVE to?"

          "YES, you do," Hotohori sternly answered.

          The miko sighed and muttered," WWJD."

          Hotohori asked confusedly," What does that mean? Is it a common term in your world?"

          "DUH! WWJD- What Would Jaba-the-Hutt Do?" 

          "Huh?  Nevermind, as Suzaku no Miko, you must find the other five celestial warriors of Suzaku: Tasuki, Nuriko, Chichiri, Mitsukake, and Chiriko.  Of course, none of them shall be as beautiful as we are." He paused to admire himself in a hall mirror.  Then he continued," Once all of the seishi are found, we can summon Suzaku to grant your wishes, but, as emperor, we implore you to grant Konan the peace it deserves." Hotohori finished.

          Miaka vigorously nodded her head and said," Right, so I need to find the six extraterrestrial soldiers of Seiryu so I can bring death and destruction to this country. Gotcha!"

          "The SEVEN CELESTIAL WARRIORS of SUZAKU, DAMMIT!!!  GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, YOU UN-BEAUTIFUL PERSON, YOU!"

          Tamahome's voice cut in," It kinda makes you want to smack some IQ points in there, doesn't it?"  

Hotohori looked at the spaced-out, drooling girl and sighed," Indeed."

          Miaka snapped out of her reverie and said," Oh yeah, IT'S LUNCHTIME!!!!!"

*********

          After lunch as the trio was leaving the table, a servant came up to Hotohori and said," Heika-sama, as you requested we have gathered the most gifted scholars and fighters from the palace in the courtyard."

          "Excellent," Hotohori said. "Miaka, Tamahome, the next constellation is referred to by the characters "gong" and "wu", which means "palace" and "strength"."

          "I'll test them out," Tamahome said, cracking his knuckles. A splintering sound was heard, followed by an "OW!" as Tamahome nursed his injured hand.  

********

          When they reached the courtyard, they were greeted with the sight of some frail, old men that looked like they could fall over if you breathed on them too hard.

          "Are those the scholars?" Miaka asked.

          Hotohori proudly scoffed," Of course not!  Do you not see their muscles?-their obvious strength?  These are the best of the best, the Konan army!"  A thud resonated through the courtyard as one of the soldiers keeled over.  Tamahome and Miaka sweatdropped as medics swarmed the scene and carried the poor guy away.  

          "……..sunstroke.  The heat must have caused him to collapse from dehydration," Hotohori ignorantly assumed.

          "Uh, Hotohori-sama, he's kicked the bucket. He's bit the big one. He is meeting his maker. In other words, he's DEAD." Tamahome firmly stated.

          Hotohori wailed," NOOOOOOO! AND WE WERE JUST GETTING STARTED!!! DAMN YOU SALAZAAR!"

          While Hotohori and Tamahome were talking, Miaka had walked up to the soldiers and had started to make faces at them because she wanted to see if they were like those British guards that didn't move even if you gave them wedgies or silly-stringed them.  As she flicked them off, their glares could have melted her on the spot, if that was possible.  Scared, she fled from the spot, running into the pillar of a pavilion.  As soon as her head connected with the heavy stone, it started to crumble.

          Tamahome mused," Makes you wonder how thick her head really is."  Dazed, Miaka slumped to the ground nearly unconscious as the roof started to give in.

          Hotohori turned to Tamahome and said," You save her."

          Tamahome huffed," I don't wanna, why don't YOU save her?"

          "You're her seishi, go and protect her or something!"

          "So are you!"

          Hotohori sighed and said," We'll pay you to save her."  Tamahome's eyes became yen signs as he skipped off to "save" his "beloved miko" from the falling building.  Of course, none of them were aware of the young woman watching them from the shadows.

          "Not nobility, yet so close to the emperor……oh well, I can always assassinate her if she gets too close to MY Hotohori-sama." Satisfied, the woman fell silent and watched the actions of the Suzaku seishi and miko.  


	8. You Want Some Nuriko With That?

          Disclaimer: *sigh* I _wish_ I owned Fushigi Yuugi, because that would mean I could have more money to blow on DVD's and manga……

          *Hey guys, just a quick recommendation; if you are OBSESSED with Fushigi Yuugi (like me), then I highly suggest Alice the 19th by the one and only Yuu Watase.  A very good read! Kodocha by Miho Obana is too……. Aw, to hell with it, everybody pool in their cash so we could buy out Suncoast, Waldenbooks, and Sam Goody/FYE! I've got dibs on all the Tasuki merchandise! :D*

**You Want Some Nuriko With That?**

"London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling dooooooooooown, I am dying under here, my fair lady," cheerfully sang the trapped Miaka.  

          Here's what happened:

_          "AIEEEEEEEEEee!" screamed Miaka as the rubble fell around her, pinning and, eventually, sealing her off from the outside world.  _

_          "………you're not going to pay me now, are you?" Tamahome sulked to Hotohori.  Hotohori sweatdropped._

Back to now:

          "…….so you're saying if I **HAD** rescued her, I would have been paid," Tamahome clarified.

          "YES, for the last hundredth time, you WOULD have been paid!" Hotohori sighed and muttered," Great, now we're going to have to either fight Kutou unarmed or kidnap _their priestess……" He pictured himself in a black cape, black half-mask, spiffy tuxedo, and a top hat dashing away with Yui over his shoulder._

          "Aw what the hell no!" He yelled, shaking his head in a vain attempt to get the disturbing image out of his head.

          Hotohori wasn't the only one with a dilemma; Tamahome was also engaged in an internal debate.  Now, you have to understand, money is everything for the kid; as Miaka is more 2 + 2 = Gimme-all-your-food-and-nobody-gets-hurt, Tamahome is 2 + 2 = Hey-I-found-a-dollar-so-who-cares-what-2+2-is? (A/N: By the way, Hotohori is 2+2 = Oh-hey-look-there's-a-mirror!) So, to him, the situation was pretty simple;

          Point A: Hotohori was offering to pay him to save Miaka.

Point B: Miaka was trapped under hundreds of pounds of rubble.

Point C: Duh HELLO, **_MONEY_!**

And so, ever gallant and true, Tamahome dived into the rubble and started squirming through the cracks to reach Miaka. 

          Hotohori looked up from his literal brain-wash in time to see Tamahome practically skip into the rubble.

          "&*(^*^)(*&(#$%^&*()$%^&*())&^%$##$^^&*(_&$#@F%^&!" He shouted.  

          *Somewhere Tasuki was, Tasuki applauded Hotohori's language skills.*

          Hotohori whirled his head to face the guards, but his hair whipped into his face giving him whiplash.  Tenderly brushing his hair away from his visage, he then barked to the remaining men," We must remove these stones at once!  Our priestess and celestial warrior are trapped under there!" 

          The guards moved to obey but halted when a random passing maid called," Oh boys! The Go tournament is starting on the other side of the palace and if you want to get good seats, you should get going!"  And so, as old men are attracted to boring old things like themselves, they stormed off in a stampede of walkers.

          "……….note to self; fire that maid," Hotohori told himself.  

          "Stand back your majesty and let _me_ handle this," said a beautiful purple-haired lady that had appeared from the shadows.

          "AHHHH!" shrieked Hotohori.  Panting he pointed his finger at her and yelled," You should be more considerate of someone as beautiful as we are!  You could have scared a wrinkle onto this testimony to perfection!"  

          The woman winked at him and said," Don't worry, I'll save your beloved seishi………oh yeah, and that girl too."  And with that, she sauntered over to the wrecked pavilion.

*********UNDER THE RUBBLE****************

          Tamahome had somehow wiggled his way to the core of the rocks where Miaka had been trapped and had finally realized his predicament.

          "……I'm trapped under hundreds of pounds of rocks with no hope of escape and am in the company of a girl in desperate need of a make-over.  SHIT!  Dad always warned me that this would happen someday!" 

          Miaka indignantly yelled," HEY, this is AFTER the make-over!"  Tamahome sweatdropped.  Sympathetically smiling she held up a box of pocky and asked," Want some?" 

          Tamahome shrugged and said," Sure."  As he reached to take the Strawberry sticks of yummyness, Miaka suddenly growled and bit his hand.

          "OWWWWWWWWWWW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR YOU BAKA?!?!?!" Tamahome screeched as he nursed the same hand that he had nearly broken earlier by cracking his knuckles.

          In a gruff voice Miaka gave him evil eyes and said," Food is mine.  ALL food belongs to ME, understand? I have WAYS to punish those that go against me."  Tamahome shivered in fear, but for the first (and probably last) time in this story, a miracle occurred for him: the boulders trapping them were miraculously disappearing as the purple-haired woman tossed them aside like they were cottonballs.  As Miaka and Tamahome climbed out, Hotohori rushed over and happily exclaimed," Thank Suzaku! Both of you are unharmed! We were more worried than we have ever been!"  He turned to the woman and asked," But that power you demonstrated……are you a celestial warrior?"

          The woman nodded, lowering her shirt a bit so that they could see her mark but Tamahome hurriedly placed his hand over it so none of the light showed through.

          "Our priestess is prone to seizures so we can't show her any of our symbols," he apologetically explained.  *SLAP*  Tamahome nursed his injured cheek as the woman glowered over him and snarled," I, Nuriko, will NOT be fondled by such an un-beautiful person such as YOU!" 

          Hotohori cheered," You go girl!" The vain duo high-fived.   Miaka chose that moment to go up Nuriko and say," Thank you very much for saving me."

          Nuriko walked past her to the whimpering Tamahome and said," I didn't do it for you……..I did it for _him._" and kissed him straight on the lips.

          Miaka stood frozen, unable to do anything but stare in shock.  Hotohori had no such dilemma, however.

          "DO YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE LIPS HAVE BEEN?!?!?!  HE'S KISSED **_MIAKA_** FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  Hearing this, Nuriko pried herself off of Tamahome and started spitting and rubbing her lips.  

          "So THAT was what that horrible taste was!" 

 Noting Miaka's jealous aura, Nuriko internally shrugged and thought, _It's__ all for a good cause, so just grin and bear it.  With that, she re-aquainted herself with Tamahome's face.  _

          "NURIKOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

************

           Hey guys, hope you liked the chapter!  But I need your help for the next chapter: can you guys pick one Suzaku or Seiryu seishi that you would like to have a random appearance?  As for what his/her role is……..hehehehehe, you'll see.  So far, I've been hearing lots of Chichiri requests so if nobody tells me squat, I'll just use him.  Alrightie, until next chapter, ja ne!


	9. Do I HAVE To?

Disclaimer: *sing to "I'm a little teapot"* I'm a fanfic author look at me! Here is my computer and here is my pop. If you try to sue me I will say "I don't own Fushigi Yugi na no da!".

**Ch. 8: Do I HAVE To?**

                    *In the real world*

          After Mrs. Yuki had called Yui telling her that Miaka had run away, Yui had spent a whopping five minutes looking for her before she had gotten bored and headed to the library to steal-erm, I mean, "look at" the super rare books she and Miaka had found the day before.  After securely shoving some books into her knapsack to "check out", she had found a glowing red book and, being the smart girl she is, opened it on the spot and began reading.

          "See Spot.  See Spot run.  Run, dammit, RUN!" She looked at the cover of the manuscript and said," Ah, wrong book," and tossed See Spot over her shoulder in favor of the book glowing _BLUE_.  

          "The Universe of the Four Gods…………sounds profitable-uh, I mean, "educational"."

          And so Yui began to follow the adventures of the main character, the Priestess of Suzaku.  Suddenly, a thought struck her with the force of a two-ton truck making roadkill.

          "Oh my God, is this MIAKA?!" and "So then who killed Kenny?!"

                    *Back in the book*

          "So you want me to sign this?" Nuriko asked suspiciously atop her perch on a bound and gagged Tamahome.

          "Yup!  It says that from now on, I'm your slave!" Miaka chirped with an undisguised note of jealousy in her voice, holding a paper contract.

          Nuriko rubbed her chin thoughtfully and pondered," Hmm……" she paused and then said," Only if you don't interfere with my and Tamahome's relationship."

          "But that's the whole point!" Miaka whined. Then she sighed and said," _Alright….._"

          Nuriko then undid her braid, releasing hundreds of voluminous strands at least two feet long.  The warrior then handed Miaka a brush and said," Get to it, servant.  And you must brush each strand at LEAST 1,000 strokes."

          "What did I get myself into?" Miaka thought out loud as Tamahome struggled against the ropes binding him to get free.

**********

          "This hall is dusty.  Wipe it down, chop-chop!" commanded Nuriko.  Miaka sighed as she moved a rag back and forth across the floor, unaware of the seishi sprinkling more dirt on the floor behind her.   

          Miaka let out another groan as she thought, _I didn't know she'd make me do manual labor.......THIS IS PRIESTESS ABUSE!_

          "You call THIS clean?!" sneered Nuriko. Miaka turned around to find the dirtiest floor she had ever seen. 

          She stammered," B-but, I was SURE that I, I mean, how-" Miaka was interrupted by a table knocking her to the ground.  

          "Whoops! Oh, silly me, I slipped!" Nuriko giggled.

          Tamahome, appearing to Miaka's rescue, started to reprimand her by saying," Look Nuriko, stop picking on Miaka!  No matter how thick her head is, she STILL could have gotten hurt! I don't like-"

          "ME?!" finished Nuriko tearfully.  

          Tamahome stammered," Uh, yes, ah, I mean, no-"

          "I'M SO HAPPY!" shrilled Nuriko as she glomped him.

          "TAMAHOME YOU JERK!" yelled the revitalized Miaka, throwing the table at him.  Miaka then said," Hey, let's play hacky-sack! Tamahome, over here!"

          _Why me?_ Tamahome groaned inwardly.

*********

          After making her peace with Tamahome, Miaka reported back to Nuriko's room to do maid stuff, like......um....folding blankets!  However, before she could get any serious work done, Nuriko called her over.

          "What's up?" Miaka asked.

          Nuriko sighed and launched into her tale of woe.  "Some time ago I lost a very precious earring while I was on a walk near the royal pond.  It's made out of clear crystal, so it's obviously very hard to find, but the crystal glows in the moonlight.  However, my maids are too scared of the depth of the pond and of the dark, and, as you know, I'm unable to leave the inner buildings, so _I_ can't retrieve it......"

          "So you want me to get it? Sure! Be right back!" Miaka cheerfully told her as she walked off.  Unknown to her, Nuriko cackled," Fool."

*********

          "Your Highness, you are of age, why do you continue to ignore the women of the inner seraglio?" an advisor asked.

          "Yeah, we take the time to gather the hottest women of the empire for you, and you NEGLECT them! If I were in your shoes-" another continued.

          Hotohori interrupted, "Should I not concentrate on matters of the country? I am more concerned with our affairs with Kutou than with taking a wife." _Take THAT, stupid advisors. I want to SLEEP. Let me GO!_

          "Hang on, what about that girl, Nuriko? She's hot with two T's!" one of the advisors commented.  The others readily agreed with a couple of whistles.

          Hotohori internally groaned _SLEEP _but then replied, "She is a celestial warrior, and, as such, has been released from her seraglio duties to attend Miaka. Besides, I have had the face of my ideal woman in my mind since I was small...."

          "Your ideal woman?"

          "Hey, does she by any chance look like-"

          "BOO!" yelled Miaka.

          "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" yelled the advisors as they fainted from shock.

          Miaka turned to Hotohori and laughed," I KNEW you wouldn't be fazed." She heard a wheeze on the ground and asked," Do you think they're okay?"

          Hotohori said," What are you doing here?"

          Miaka casually replied," Oh, I'm just doing a favor for Nuriko."

          Hotohori frowned and asked," Aren't you two getting along? I mean, I can order her to-"

          "No, it's all good.  Besides," she smiled serenely at him," you can't ORDER someone's feelings to change!  I want to make friends with her on my own.  See you later!" As she walked off, the only thing he could think about was, _Miaka........do you know that you have a milk mustache?_

**********

          Darkness conceals many things; for example, the thief that was currently barging into Houki's room, or the prisoner escaping from his cell.  However, Miaka was searching for the hardest of them all: a nonexistent earring.  She paced up and down the pond, sometimes getting within two feet of it and then quickly backing away.  A sudden _POOF_ was heard as Miaka turned around to see an SD monk with blue hair and a cat-like face say," Ohayo, na no da!"

          "AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Miaka screeched as the surprise made her fall into the pond. 

          "Fine then no da, BE that way," Chichiri huffed, disappearing back into his hat.  However, below the water, Miaka realized one thing the hard way: once you get tangled in seaweed, it's hard as hell to UNtangle yourself.  _Where's Tamahome when you need him?! _She thought frantically. 

********

On the other side of the palace, Tamahome, along with Nuriko and a couple of maids, were having a party.

          "Huzzah! Hooray! The wicked bitch is dead!" a random servant cheered.

          "So who's death are we celebrating? Houki's?" Tamahome asked, gulping down an ancient Chinese version of a shot.

          Nuriko gleefully answered," No, Suzaku no Miko's!"

          And with that, Tamahome spit out his drink and yelled, "WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?! We have to go save her!"

          Nuriko slyly held up a bottle of wine and said," Hang on Tama, how about some wine before you leave?"

          Caught in an internal struggle between alcohol and his duty to his country, Tamahome thought there could be nobody in this world with a worse dilemma than he; obviously he wasn't thinking of the drowning miko.

****

_Tama......home......._thought Miaka.  _Where are you?.......Help....... ........oh hey, pretty rock!_


	10. Lakewater Weirdness

Ryochan8: Hey all! Sorry to have kept you waiting, it's just that……..well……um, how do I say this……

Tasuki: Oi onna, just tell them that you're too lazy to update quickly!

Ryochan8: *glares* Tasukiiiiii!!!!!

Tasuki: *oblivious* -and not ta mention ya STILL need ta finish yer Science, Spanish, AND Faith homework from th'  weekend……..

Ryochan8: *sulks* _HOW_ did you end up being my MUSE and not my MOTHER?!

Tasuki: *grins and holds up the Victory sign* Because I'm one hellova hottie! 

Ryochan8: O.o Riiiiiiiight.  Anyway, hope everybody enjoys the chapter, and, of course, pointers, suggestions, and general reviews are always welcome!

Tasuki: Oh yea, she doesn't own me, Chiri, or even th' entire Fushigi Yuugi series. (no matter how much she wants to) A'right, now let's get drunk!

Ryochan8: ^-^;;;  

**Lake Water = Weirdness**

****

Yui, calmly reading her "Money!" magazine, suddenly felt cold.  And wet.  And hungry.  But that's besides the point. 

"Okay Miaka, when you get back I am SO going to Super-soaker you to death!.........Wonder what happened to you anyway….." But instead of checking the glowing "Universe of the Four Gods" lying next to her, she shrugged, licked her thumb and turned the page of her magazine, careful not to get it wet.

*********

          "Hang on, how is Miaka dying anyway?" Tamahome asked, trying to see if his help was really needed so he could take the wine without a guilty conscience.

          Nuriko's head swelled as she boasted," She went to search for a non-existant earring in that cold, cold pond-"

          A random maid asked," How would you know that it's cold, Nuriko-sama? Did you go skinny-dipping or something?"

          "………and she fell for it, hook line and sinker! What a twit! So becoming of a girl that has no idea about court etiquette! She's probably freezing to death right now!" Nuriko finished, pointedly ignoring the maid's question. 

          A drunk Tamahome shrieked," WHAT THE HELL?!  This is the only person that can summon Suzaku and you send her to FREEZE to death?!" He hiccupped," Why not give her some dignity and let her BURN to death?!"

          Nuriko growled," That chibi whore! Putting her tramp's hands on MY Hotohori-sama!" She pointed at Tamahome and added," She's even got YOU under her spell! So I'm TAKING you from her-"

          "Hi everybody!" chirped a high voice.

          Involuntarily, everybody responed," Hi Neighbor Bob!" and then looked up to see a soaking wet Miaka.  Tamahome would have asked if she was alright, but he was too busy gawking at the way her clothes clung to her body. He shuddered and thought, _How could anybody be THAT chubby?!_

          Unaware of Tamahome's stare, Miaka continued," I couldn't find an earring in there, so I found this instead!" She held up a string of gold coins. "Isn't it shiny?" 

          Nuriko slapped his forehead and muttered," I guess it's true, idiots just NEVER die." Then she shouted," Miaka no baka! ……hey, that sounds cool……" She cleared her throat and shouted," Miaka no baka!" She giggled for a couple of minutes while everybody sweatdropped. She began again," Miaka-" Nuriko fell to the floor and held her sides, trying to contain her laughter. 

          Tamahome yelled," Okay, okay, we get that she's an idiot, can we just move on with our lives now?"

          Nuriko wiped the tears away from her eyes and finished ranting," Ill-bred little moron! You actually went into the pond?! Ha! I was lying!"

          "I knew that." 

Miaka's confession shut Nuriko's cackling up.  The womanly seishi just stared at her as she continued.

          "Your story didn't make sense.  It was re-dun-dant." Miaka silently thanked the guard that took a half an hour to explain the situation to her and told her what to say.  However, she didn't anticipate what happened next.  

Nuriko slapped her.

          Not to be outdone, Miaka slapped Nuriko back while cheering," Tag, your it!"

  Holding her cheek, the Lady Nuriko broke down into tears.  "*sniffle* Y-y-you *sniffle* slapped b-back *hiccup*"

          Smiling gently, Miaka asked," Of course I did. You deserved it AND more.  But anyway, do you want me to talk to Hotohori? I mean, we're just friends."

          Nuriko and Tamahome sweatdropped and thought, _JUST? Hello, he's an EMPEROR!!_

***********

          "Look, you don't have to SLEEP with them, I'm just saying that it would be nice if you paid attention to them!" Miaka insisted.

It was later that night and, after changing into a dry robe, Miaka had gone to Hotohori's bedroom, intent on keeping her promise to Nuriko.  

          "…..and….?" Hotohori boredly responded.  He was so sleepy! First his advisors, now HER! How dare she interrupt his sleep? He wanted to sleep so he could dream about his beloved Suzaku no miko! 

          "Hotohori, you're surrounded by billions of women desperately in love with you.  You have a palace. A harem.  ANY woman would be happy to belong to you!  Any MAN _dreams_ of being in your place! It doesn't hurt to acknowledge the fact, does it?"

          …….Hotohori's thoughts came to a halt.  THIS was the Suzaku no miko!  The one he had dreamed about! And she was in HIS room! ……hmmm……..

          "Is there a man you are in love with?" he asked, the epitome of mystery. 

          Miaka started at this as a picture of Tamahome drooling over money entered her mind.  She furiously shook her head to rid herself of the image.  Hotohori took that as a "no" and continued.

          "…..and besides, I already have someone.  She is someone I've cherished since time began." With this, he threw her onto the bed and laughed, "GUESS WHO?!"

Suddenly, the wall caved in, leaving Nuriko and Tamahome sprawled out on the floor, still in the position of listening in.

          Tamahome turned to Nuriko and sighed," Nuriko, really, you MUST go on weight watchers."  
          Hotohori just glared at his fellow seishi, giving them the incentive to scram.  Thoroughly disturbed, Miaka also started to dash out of the room, saying," I think it's my bedtime so-"  But was stopped when Hotohori grabbed her wrist.  

          He intensely said," I meant what I said Miaka. Once this is over, I shall make you my empress."

          Miaka whined," Hey! Isn't there some law against that kinda thing?! You can't tell me what to do!!"

          Hotohori snapped his fingers in annoyance and sulked," Darn."  He then looked up at her determinedly and told her," Very well, I shall not force you by decree; I shall merely make you love me."  

          Astonished, Miaka quickly said goodnight and left for her room, even though she was too weirded out to sleep. 

********


	11. Stuff that Hurts

I would like to take up this space to thank all of my reviewers; without you guys, I probably would not have continued posting BY on FF.net. What I thought was mindless crap, you guys called gold! *ahem* Anyway, enough with the serious stuff, now onto the insanity!!! ……ugh, I've just finished Book 1 and I'm already on chapter 10…….^.^;;

Disclaimer: ……..do I even need to do these anymore? *receives dagger glares from lawyers* …..uh, I guess I do……I DON'T OWN FUSHIGI YUUGI, SO GO AWAY SCARY LAWYER PEEPS!!!

****

**Ch.**** 10: Stuff That Hurts**

****

****

          "Hang on, so, Hotohori attacks me, proposes to me, and makes me sleep in his bed and you have NOTHING to say about it?!" Miaka complained.  But instead of answering her like a good little boy, Tamahome just turned up his nose at her and stomped off to the market to get some ching-cha-ching-ching.  It was the morning after Hotohori's proposal and, after pulling an all-nighter filled with deep thoughts such as "Is it natural for a hot guy like Hotohori to fall in love with the heroine of the story?" and "Was the EMPORER wearing _ducky_ boxers?"

          "I'm so unloved!" whined Miaka, not noticing the enraged Nuriko behind her, sparking a dark and miasmic battle aura that would make Vegita from Dragonball Z proud.  After making choking motions at Miaka's neck, finally the court lady snapped, shrieking," THIS is what you meant by "we're just friends" ?!?!?!?  HA! More like "Friend with _privileges_"! HUMPH!"  Finishing her tirade, Nuriko skipped after Tamahome, calling," Wait for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Don't leave me alone with Slut no miko!"

          Falling to her knees in sadness, Miaka made a face like her puppy was sacrificed to the inner depths of hell (a.k.a. her stomach).  After sitting there for a few minutes, a maid ran by, hysterically singing," I AM THE LINEN FAIRY!! I SHALL SPRINKLE THE LAND WITH DOWNY (™)!!!" 

 The psycho maid spotted the kneeling miko, ran up to her and cackled," AH! It is my arch-nemesis, a SCHOOL UNIFORM! The ONLY item of clothing that has the power to shrink and ruin itself upon contact with the holy laundry detergent! A demon I say! I shall smite thee!" The deranged lady then covered her with a linen sheet that had a hint of lemony fresh pine trees.  Finding her duty completed, she pranced away with the grace of a drunk elephant.  However, the sheet gave Miaka an *gasp* idea.   

                   _This sheet is just the right size for me to make a disguise to follow Tamahome!_

********************

          "Tama-baby, look at that girl's childish disguise!" Nuriko crowed, loving every minute of her priestess' open show of stupidity.

          "Shut up and leave me alone.  She can be eaten by rabid chipmunks for all I care!"

*********************

          Hearing their cue, the chipmunks started to put their plan in motion.

********************

          With the sheet draped around her body like a ghost, Miaka was prancing down the street singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and unsuccessfully trying to blend in the crowds.  But with a sense of unity and a perseverance that should be admired, all of the crowds managed to leave a 20 foot distance between them and her.  However, before they could evacuate the scene with their food intact, their attention was distracted by a random young man's voice yelling, "LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND PEOPLE WITH GENDER ISSUES!!!!  I_ HAVE_ A **DREAM**!"  

          "So what?" yelled a person from the crowd.   Tamahome, thinking that he could give the crowd what they wanted, booted the guy off stage and bowed to their applause. 

          "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!  YOU HAVE ALL HEARD OF THE PRIESTESS OF SUZAKU, RIGHT?"       

          A random woman called out," Of course we have, dipsh*t! BOOOO!  Bring us a hot guy!!!"  

Pointedly ignoring her remarks, Tamahome continued," BEHOLD AND BE AMAZED AT MY SUPER-GENIUS-NESS!!! FOR I AM _NOT_ A TAX COLLECTOR!!!"  Egged on by the audiences cheers (due to the fact that he wasn't stealing money from them yet), he lifted up a pack of Juicy Fruit.

"HERE IS FOOD FROM THE MIK-HOES, ER, I MEAN _MIKO'S _WORLD! LOOKIT THE FUNNY WRITING ON IT! ONLY A SILVER RYU APIECE!!" Tamahome loudly coaxed.  

"……so he ignores me, steals my food, and tries to _sell_ it?!?!?!" Miaka roared, her eyes suddenly turning red.  However, as fate would have it, the aforementioned chipmunks chose this moment to make their move. All at once, gathering all of the rabid juices within their bodies, they shwooped over to Miaka like a paperclip to a magnet and started chowing down.  

          "AIEEEEIIEIIEIEIIEIEIEEIEI!!!!!" shrieked Miaka, running around in circles, somehow losing the sheet. 

"The Suzaku no Miko!" 

"Oh my gosh, it's those furry things again! Somebody get the hose!"

"Wow, I wanna poke her many chins!"

          Shaking off the "friendly" forest critters, Tamahome dragged Miaka away from the crowd, somehow losing Nuriko in the process.  Taking refuge in an alley, Tamahome shook her and scolded," What the hell were you thinking?! His highness would have been mortified if his fiancé were to be eaten by fuzzy balls of rabies and stomped to death by villagers!"

          Whimpering with tears in her eyes, Miaka asked," Would _you_ have been sad?"  

          Their little scene was interrupted by somebody clearing their throats.  Tamahome and Miaka looked up to see a bunch of nice-looking middle-aged dudes wearing ancient Chinese versions of business suits.  

          "Pardon me, good sir, but do you have a minute?" one of them with a Cheeto-looking head asked. Cracking up, Tamahome was unable to stop what happened next.  

          Miaka, with saliva flying everywhere, charged with a battle cry of, "CHEETOS BELONG TO ME!!!!  GIMME ALL YOUR FOOOOOOOOOD!! E.T. WANT PIZZA!!"

          "AHHHHHHHHHH!!"  the guy cried, running in rectangles.  However, one of the guys went up to Tamahome and handed him a pamphlet.  

          "These are all of the rules for doing business in this town.  I own this part of the city-" here he flinched as he heard his buddy's howl of pain "-so if you don't comply with the rules, things could get…….not pretty."  Furrowing his brow in thought, Tamahome happened to glance at Miaka to see that the guy was trying to force her away with a knife. 

          "MIAKAAAAAA!"  With no other warning, Tamahome knocked all of the guys out, destroying the pamphlet and his long hair in the process.  

          "You idiots……..if you mess with her, then you mess with me."  With that he turned to Miaka and asked," Are you alright?"

          "_WHY_ are you so nice?!  You can't do business here anymore! Tell me why!!" Miaka cried out in fake anguish, hoping to hear her second confession of love in less than a day.  

          "It doesn't matter," Tamahome coldly replied.

          "It does to me! Can't you see I'm falling in love with you?!" she nearly shrieked.  Upon realizing what she said, she gasped, unaware until that moment that she actually DID have feelings for the martial artist.

          Tamahome was off in his own little world.  _Wow.  The PRIESTESS has feelings for ME?!  Hang on, maybe I should play hard to get…….Yeah, that's a GREAT idea!  Since she confessed to ME, things probably are the OPPOSITE in her world, so girls confess and guys play cold! _

" ……sorry.  I can't say that I feel the same.  I've only been hanging out with you because you're the Priestess of Suzaku."  

          Upon hearing this, Miaka felt hot, cold, hungry, and thirsty at the same time.  Not to mention the heartache!  So, to get herself out of painful reality, she rammed her head against a wall, falling into sweet unconsciousness.   

          Tamahome, upon hearing a _*CRACK*_ whipped his head around, only to see his miko fall to the ground delirious and with blood spewing out of her head.

          "Shoot, and here I'm going to have to waste precious money to have somebody fix her up!"


	12. Self Discovery

Hi again, loyal fans!  *beams* I feel so loved! So many reviews! So many, many……*is carted off by men in white*  BUT DOMO ARIGATOU TO ALL THOSE WHO ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO CLICK THE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE!!!!!  On a more serious note, it would be awesome if you guys tell me what is good, what is ugly, and what is just plain wrong (like the reviewer that informed me how to spell Emperor….^_^;; ) ; seriously, looking back, the whole Hotohori's "guess who" thing was just…….yeah.  Moving on.  But wow, everybody is so protective over Chichiri!  But since this story is making fun of Fushigi Yuugi (sort of), I have to poke a LITTLE fun at him, but I'll tone it down a bit. Happy? Right.  Oh yeah, one more thing: I'm kinda following the manga arc for this fic ( for moments like when Tamahome's hair gets chopped off instead of like the anime in which he keeps his hair) so yeah. Kay.  Now onwards to the next chapter!!!

          Disclaimer:  ¡No es de mi!  It's not mine!  So don't sue me!!!!

**Ch.**** 11: Self-Discovery**

          "Oh, Miaka…….look how she suffers so!" cried the distraught Konan emperor (A/N:  :P hehehhe…….spelled it right!).  

          "I'm lookin' alright," muttered a distracted Tamahome as he watched Miaka's shirt slip and reveal some cleavage.  Thwopping him on the head and covering up his priestess, Hotohori then resumed his vigil over the unconscious, sick, and hungry Suzaku no miko.  Nuriko, Tamahome, Hotohori, and a couple random doctors were in Miaka's room back at the palace, where Miaka was literally receiving the royal treatment for her measly fever and scratches.  

          Suddenly realizing something, the bishonen emperor whipped his head over to glare at Tamahome and, with a voice laced with venom, inquired in a low voice," WHAT _exactly_ happened in the city?  Your future depends on your response!" 

Tamahome started," Well, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  It was the sickest of times, it was the healthiest of times.  It was the lamest of-"

Hotohori lashed out," We demand that you get your head out of your ass and tell us already! Be a man!" He paused and waved while the doctors cheered him on. The bishonen emperor added," Well, you can't POSSIBLY be as manly as we are, but TRY."

          Tamahome internally groaned but honestly stuttered," We were walking. And then the chip-headed dude.  And there was a _KNIFE_!  And _oh_,  the **_wham_** and the **_pow_** and the **OUCHIE** and my HAIR!!! Fluttering to the ground! And I was trying to grow it out too!"   By now Tamahome was sulking, depressed for his shorn locks.  

          Sweatdropping, the entire room fell into an awkward near-silence; the only sound was munching made by Nuriko, who was acting as a spectator to some glorious chick-flick marathon, adding to that effect by eating candy stolen from Miaka.  

Breaking the "silence", a particularly old doctor remarked," Suzaku no miko-chan has such a feeble mind……I doubt that the stress from receiving such an arduous task has been received lightly.  She must be exhausted, mentally AND physically. I suggest-"

          "M-mom………." Moaned the unconscious miko as she shifted.  

          In awe that she could manage to move that humongous blob of fat she called a body without popping a vein, Hotohori murmured in awe," Miaka……."

          Tamahome said in a flat tone," You wanna go home, huh? Idiot…… What kind of man would fall for that stupid "I'm sick so you have to let me do whatever I wanna" crap?"   She moaned louder and Tamahome jumped, started rubbing her feet, and said," Of COURSE we'll get you home, sweetie!  Just leave this to Big Brother!"

          Hotohori abruptly left his chair and ordered," We shall discuss this in our boardroom."  With that, he walked out the door.  

          However, everyone was left in a state of confusion. 

 "Did he mean "we" as in he, himself, and ……uh, he?" one of the doctors asked.

  An advisor added without confidence, "Heika-sama is not insane…..….I _think_ he means that we should accompany him."

"Listening to the third person was too confusing!" Tamahome griped.  

 Hotohori popped his head back into the room and sternly commanded," **_WE_** shall discuss this NOW!  Stop dawdling or we shall send you to the palace chibi-torture chambers!"  

          The room couldn't have been emptied faster if it was stuffed with dozens of active Furbies. I mean, who wanted to get a horrible, long-lasting make-up job by the residents of the palace day-care? As soon as they started scampering out the door, Miaka began her requests for hamburgers, Orlando Bloom, and her neighbor's dog Sparky.  Huffing in disbelief, the lagging Nuriko slammed the door behind her, leaving Miaka stirring to the land of the awake. 

          _Uh……What happen- WAIT!  My senses are tingling!  My head hurts!  I feel like I'm gonna puke! That can only mean one thing........someone has messed with my food stash!!!! GRRRRR!!!! I'LL KILL 'EM!!!!_

********

"We are stuck between a rock and a hard place," Hotohori lamented.  

They had been in the boardroom for almost a half an hour discussing possible cures for the ailing miko. Okay, so maybe the first five minutes was wasted waiting for their tea to arrive because NOBODY can have a serious conversation without their tea……and alright, so what if they took a twenty minute gambling break?  So, in all actuality, they had only been talking for about five minutes and they were already stumped.

Tamahome suggested," Hey, I know!  I can beat the crap out of her!"

" Yeah, let's do it! That's a GREAT idea!" Nuriko agreed.

A puzzled advisor inquired," How would that help with Suzaku-no-miko-chan's illness, Tamahome-sama?"

  Confused, Tamahome cocked his head to the side and said," Illness? She's sick?  I was just suggesting ways to deal with her obesity problem!"

          With that, Nuriko burst out laughing.  

                   *10 minutes later*

          "Oh……oh…….my head, my sides….." Nuriko gasped, reeling from her laughing spree.  

          Hotohori began, "So anyway-"

          "DAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Nuriko interrupted, apparently not finished yet.  Sweatdropping, the room waited for her to finish her giggle-fest.  A couple seconds later, the womanly seishi calmed down.  

          Wishing to test her out, Tamahome seriously looked her in the eye and simply said," Carrot."

          "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my sides, my sides…teheHEHAHAHEEHEAAHAHAAAA!"  Nuriko burst out.  

          "BAD Tamahome!" Hotohori reprimanded, swatting him on the head.  Whining, Tamahome fell over pretending to be dead.  This only made Nuriko laugh harder.

          "And these are the people we are relying on to save our country?" whispered one advisor to another.  He sweatdropped to find his "listener" fast asleep. 

          "We are _so_ shit outta luck."

**********

          The world was a horrible, horrible place that had too many spinning walls and dazzling lights.  At least, something along those lines was in Miaka's head after she gave up trying to get up.  Sulking in her bed with the covers up to her chin(s), she recalled with a jolt a horrible memory of what had happened not too long ago.

                    *******_*Memory sequence**********_

_                   "I'd like the cheesiest cheese sticks you've got!" Miaka proudly told the waiter as she and Yui sat in a restaurant.  The waiter returned some minutes later with their food.  Chomping into her food, Miaka made a heart-wrenching discovery._

_                   "HEY! THERE'S NO CHEESE IN THESE!!"_

_                   ********End Memory Sequence*******_

          Sniffling, Miaka whimpered," That was the worst day of my life…."  Then, with another jolt, she remembered something else.

                   _********Memory Sequence********_

_          "Miaka, show me your report card," Mrs. Yuuki said to a few months younger Miaka._

_          "Okay Mom!" the soon-to-be Suzaku no Miko chirped.  Mrs. Yuuki, read the grades and what they meant out loud._

_          "Well, in Math and Japanese you got a B, "boy you're stupid".  In Science, you got an S, "sucks".  In English you got a Y, "you don't even WANNA know".  In History you got a C , "can't do shit".  And in Gym, you got a K, "kids will laugh at you forever"." Mrs. Yuuki glanced up from the paper. "Miakaaaa….."_

_          "EEP!" let out  a scared, chibi Miaka._

_          "YOU INSUFFERABLE LITTLE IDIOT! WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY HEAR OF WHAT YOU GOT?! HOW CAN I BRAG ABOUT **THESE** KIND OF GRADES?! YOU'RE GROUNDED!"_

_                   ******End Memory Sequence*********_

          Groaning, Miaka sighed," Why is this all coming back to me NOW?  If I remember any more depressing stuff, I think I'm gonna kill myself!"  Ironically, she finally remembered WHY she was in bed.

_                   ********Memory sequence*********_

_"WHY are you so nice?!  You can't do business here anymore! Tell me why!!" Miaka cried out in fake anguish.  _

_          "It doesn't matter," Tamahome coldly replied._

_          "It does to me! Can't you see I'm falling in love with you?!" she nearly shrieked._

_          After a moment of silence, Tamahome said," ……sorry.  I can't say that I feel the same.  I've only been hanging out with you because you're the Priestess of Suzaku."  _

          _*******End Memory Sequence*******_

          "Guuuuuuuuh!" Miaka incoherently complained.  Where was a snuggle-buddy when you needed them?!  However, Miaka wasn't left to think for very long before the door opened to reveal Hotohori.

          "Ho-Hotohori….." she mumbled distantly.

          "How are you feeling, Miaka?" He asked gently.  

          Not wanting to worry him, she fakely smiled and tittered," Oh, I'm peachy-keen! Right as a rainbow!"

          Raising his eyebrow at the missaid quote, he proceeded to tell her," Miaka, you no longer need to worry.  We have found a way to return you to your world."

          "WHAT?! REALLY?" Miaka exclaimed, immediately hyper.

          Chuckling, the young emperor explained," Yes.  We must go to where Tai Itsukun, the oracle and creator of this world, dwells.  The journey will be long and perilous, but we will be by your side……… Oh yeah, Tamahome and Nuriko are coming, too.  We think." He paused and shook his head to clear his thoughts.  Then, he guiltily admitted," Miaka, we are sorry.  We have placed too many demands upon you.  But please……" He looked into her eyes,"….Please, after you regain your health in your world and maybe lose a few pounds-" Here Miaka glared at him"- return to my kingdom…..and to me."  

*********

          Tamahome stood up from his position of peeking on the miko and emperor from the keyhole.  He indifferently turned to walk away when a large stone monkey was thrown at his head.  Not noticing that the Oni-seishi was knocked out, Nuriko began her complaints.

          "You IDIOT! YOU dumped HER, so stop acting so jealous! Be a man and tell her how you feel, or MY Hotohori-sama will become even MORE infatuated with that twit!........Tama-baby?"  She kicked Tamahome's body slumped on the floor.  A trickle of blood started leaking onto the floor from his head.

          "Uh…..I'll leave you to, uh, process what I said….um……BYE!" With that, Nuriko zoomed off and left Tamahome to be found by someone else.  The countdown for departure had begun. 


End file.
